I used to come out here with an old Volvo headlamp...
put it to me ear and listen to the universe.
In Swedish?
You feel at one with nature. You feel at one with the ground being hard.
There's a hallowed police technique for calming unruly prisoners that made you feel quite close to nature.
They never mentioned it at flower arranging.
And what did the universe used to say, tha must be wondering?
"Who's that idiot with the Volvo headlamp?"
"It's only Billy Hardcastle," it used to say, "earwigging again."
It used to say nowt, actually. Makes you wonder whether there's owt there.
A question man has been asking since his time began.
Is there anything beyond the reach of a Volvo headlamp?
I used to come out here all alone, seeking the meaning of life.
And did you never get a reply to all your questions?
Only once. One night a voice said,
"Billy, what are you doing out here?"
A voice?
It was the missus and her sister. They'd followed me. They thought I were up to summat.
Didn't you say you were seeking the meaning of life? It made no difference.
They kept checking me by torchlight for traces of lipstick.
Ah, the thing I like about this place is the peace and quiet.
THUMPING MUSIC APPROACHES
Do you sometimes wish they'd bring back the death penalty? It's what every policeman wants for Christmas.
It's a one-off. You don't see many vehicles out here. Maybe he's lost.
Anybody who plays stuff like that is bound to be lost.
You could be out here for months and never see another vehicle.
WELSH ACCENT: Excuse me. Can you tell me where to find the loneliest spot round here?
Well...it used to be here.
Why must it be the loneliest spot?
I want to get away from everything.
I'm nursing a broken heart.
Lonely spot suitable for nursing - this is trickier than we thought.
Lucky you fell in with the nature experts round here.
I know a good place to start. Turn in here.
A pub? This can't be the loneliest spot. No, but it's a good place to get the maps out.
So, nursing a broken heart, is it?
Don't remind me.
HE SOBS
Now look what you've done.
I only asked a simple question. You don't expect people to fall apart. Especially a Land Rover owner.
That's true. Hysteria is more your BMW.
It used to be an option. Now it's fitted as standard.
Cindy Fritters.
My whole life revolved around Cindy Fritters.
She sounds like a fast-food establishment.
She broke my heart... in little pieces.
Chin up! The world's full of women. You try catching a bus when it's bingo time.
Loneliness is my destiny.
You have to admire the sheer nerve of anybody who can say things like, "Loneliness is my destiny."
I'm going to settle down in the loneliest spot I can find. I'm going to contemplate life.
Do you think I could become...
the Wise Man Of The Woods?
It's about the only thing left that doesn't need lots of qualifications.
Simple charity and a certain thirst tells me we'd better buy this poor soul a drink.
Then he'd become known as the Wise And Legless Man Of The Woods.
Is this clock right?
Yes, that clock IS right. And stop watching it. Stop twitching about.
My grandma had two things she cared for - a budgie called Chester and a clock like that.
You must have had it some years. It was a wedding present, Wesley's side.
My poor father came with a free clock. And he's still going too.
I've had HIM some years.
Yes, we were all raised to make things last.
Your men didn't last five minutes.
I was searching for the right material.
If you ever find it, can we borrow a bit?
CAR HORN Was that my Barry? Sit down, girl.
I've got strict instructions not to be late. Instructions? From who?
From my Barry. He's becoming very forceful.
Oh, he is, is he?
- Come in, Barry. - No, it's time we were off.
Well, if it's Wise Man Of The Woods you're after,
you ought to be among some trees.
Have no fear, we'll find thee some trees.
And if he's going to be the Wise Man Of The Woods,
what is his name?
Kevin.
I'm sorry, it doesn't do it. Not for me.
Kevin Wise Man Of The Woods.
You're going to need an alias.
You need something. You'll have to lose the Kevin.
What's wrong with Kevin?
Nothing, on its own. We had a Kevin in the Vice Squad.
Although he had to take early retirement.
What if Robin Hood was called Kevin? Wouldn't do, would it?
Have you got another name?
Wanless.
Wanless Wise Man Of The Woods.
No, I don't think so.
It's more complicated than I thought, this Wise Man Of The Wood.
It has to be, else everybody'd do it.
And another thing - you're not dressed for it. You need shaggy hair and clothing.
So how do they tell you from a tramp? By the wisdom.
Oh, right. And you'll need a good pair of sandals.
Wisdom doesn't seem to like much on its feet.
Tha looks more like tha's selling insurance.
Maybe that's the line to take - "Consult the Wise Man Of The Woods. Insurance advice a speciality."
I know nothing about insurance. I only know I've lost Cindy Fritters.
I worship the ground she used to throw me on.
Oh, Big Cindy Fritters!
Oh, magnificent! Life is so empty now.
Like these glasses. What does the Wise Man Of The Woods think about buying another drink?
Let's go for it! That's the wisest thing he's said.
Hey, Wise Man Of The Woods. Oh, did somebody call?
You're in no condition to drive. None of us is.
We'll have to sober you up before you can start being wise.
I hoped to start straightaway. I was thinking, "Kevin, you are ready."
For falling down, maybe. Ah, the Horizontal Wise Man Of The Woods!
I can do wisdom lying down.
Not dressed like that. Wait for your wise man's overalls. Will they have a pocket for sweets?
He's asking questions already. Way to go, Wise Man! No.
No, THERE'S the way to go.
We can leave the caravan here and Howard can drive us all back to town in the Land Rover.
Good thinking, Clegg. Drink must have gone straight to your head.
Hey! I'M supposed to be dishing out the wisdom round here.
Oh, Howard, we've been discovered.
We'll tell them I found you wandering with loss of memory.
Now, then, you two. I'd hardly call us two.
I met this lady quite by accident.
I could probably vouch for that if I hadn't lost my memory.
Relax. We need you to drive us back into town, Howard. The three of us and the Wise Man Of The Woods.
Heavens! Trapped in a Land Rover with the Wild Man Of The Woods!
WISE Man. Not WILD Man, Wise Man.
Oh, well, I suppose that's a relief.
The cheque's in the post.
Hey up, Barry, lad.
Hello, Mr Simmonite. I'm looking for number 43. Found it. Done that.
"How To Succeed In Business - retired executive offers managerial advice."
Usually by post, but come in, lad, come in.
I didn't realise it'd be a hut on the allotments. I thought there'd be an office somewhere.
That's the first piece of advice. Keep your overheads low. Don't throw your money away on flash premises.
I congratulate you on how well you've avoided flash premises, Mr Simmonite.
I've always had a flair for it.
I read your advert in the paper.
That's the second piece, lad - the power of advertising.
You have a natural flair for the Land Rover, Howard.
I suppose it's because we're both rugged creatures, built for the wild outdoors.
I wouldn't mind if I'd had sherry, but did that car have any driver?
It had some funny passengers. Call me suspicious, but I think I recognised that bicycle.
HORN BLAST
Young Tom will be able to advise you on the dress code for a Wise Man Of The Woods.
It's lucky I fell in with you lot. It's getting me off to a good start.
Listen! Now, when I get really wise and you come to consult,
there'll always be a discount.
That's sweet. Not as sweet as doing it for free. Any time, Barry.
You take people for granted.
You never realise they were once very big with ICI. Imagine!
Tom was very senior with ICI until he gave it all up to pursue his spiritual side.
Aren't you glad that sometimes you don't have a mortgage with Barry?
I DO have a mortgage with Barry.
Don't worry, he's very thick with senior people from ICI.
He's very thick.
You were very big in ICI?
That's right - Instant Chest Improvers.
I was their chief executive. We were doing great until some twit's elastic broke.
Who's this, then? Oh, this is Kevin,
Wise Man Of The Woods. Well, not exactly. I'm at the planning stage.
We don't think he's dressed right.
You're right. He looks terrible.
YOU'D look terrible. I've just lost Cindy Fritters.
Go outside if tha's going to cry, Kevin.
I'll come with you.
Don't you start.
Well, it's so sad.
Have you lot been drinking? Just a touch.
Have you ever had, you know, any funny experiences on nights?
There were nothing between me and that barmaid. It's a wicked rumour.
You don't have to lie to me. I covered for you. Was that you?
I thought it were PC Dobbs.
No. He was the other barmaid.
Oh, her. Right.
What I was asking was -
flaky experiences, occult, ghost-like.
Oh, them.
You have, haven't you? I can hear it in your voice.
I believe there are some things uncanny, and things it's impossible to know, yet some people do.
The wife, to mention a few.
You know what it's like when you're out there on your own. It's pitch dark.
You're out on foot. Everything's creaking,
and the wind's blowing.
It's true. It's no job for a nervous disposition.
Do you think there IS something? You know - out there?
I want to report a driverless Land Rover. A what?
A Land Rover without a driver. It nearly ran me down. How do you mean?
It missed me by inches. I could see everything. There was no driver.
The headless driver.
She said driverless.
If it was being driven, the legs just had to be there. And the hands on the wheel.
Dearie me, is there a bus in?
It's not often I find you here, Norman Clegg.
I'm safe today. I'm with the Wise Man Of The Woods.
Him? This is the Wise Man Of The Woods?
I'm only just starting, like.
Doesn't look the part, does he? We told him you could help.
You must be wiser than you look.
How did you know I was offering sale prices for Wise Men Of The Woods?
Tha's in luck, Kevin.
He'll be wiser when he gets his bill.
Be gentle with him, he's got a broken heart.
Oh, dear!
I always think the best thing for that is to spend a lot.
To show a certain recklessness.
To prove to the loved one that nothing else matters.
That's just how I feel. I shall live simply, take a vow of poverty.
I'm glad you called here first.
And once word gets round, it might get as far as Cindy Fritters.
And then, one day, she'll come over the hill and find me in my wood, being wise.
And she'll realise I've done it all for her.
Aw!
Would you require a full outfit for a Wise Lady Of The Woods too?
I don't think so. Not just yet.
ALL: Very wise.
Four teas, please, Ivy.
Four?
Oh, nice(!) We've just found wisdom, now we've lost it.
Come on, Kevin!
Who is he? Bit shy.
Of a slate or two.
Oh, well, he should fit in with you lot quite nicely.
Speak softly to him. The man's broken-hearted.
Pining for Cindy Fritters.
Don't stock 'em. He gets Tesco's or he'll do without. Bring him in.
Get him out!
You call that speaking softly?
He's out and he stays out. You can't bring old tramps in here.
He's not, he's the Wise Man Of The Woods. Well, he looks like a tramp.
Well, admittedly, he LOOKS like an old tramp.
He could bring a lot of custom in.
He looks like he'd bring all sorts of things in.
He's doing a big advertising campaign. Advertising what?
Consultations with the Wise Man Of The Woods.
It's all been arranged. He's getting massive publicity even as we speak.
How long do I have to wear this?
Till we've built up his reputation. Till he starts picking up trade.
And what's in it for us? We're on commission, aren't we?
Does he know that? If he's so wise, he ought to know that, didn't he?
How long have you been the Wise Man Of The Woods?
Not me. I'm just his handmaiden.
Not him. You want the REAL Wise Man Of The Woods.
"Consultations at reasonable rates."
Never been cheaper. It's his slow season.
Where would a person... in search of wisdom find this Wise Man Of The Woods?
How lucky can you get? He's round the corner, at the cafe.
That doesn't sound very Wise Man Of The Woodish. He's got to eat.
I thought he'd be in the woods, doing magical things with a few herbs. Funny you should say that.
He IS with a few herbs.
Why have people started rejecting me?
I've a fund of amusing stories.
Cheer up, Kevin, it were nothing personal. She throws everybody out.
Yes, anybody who is anybody has been thrown out by Ivy.
Regulars can obtain a season ticket.
Tomorrow, things might look entirely different.
Tha might have tripped in t'greenwood and broken thy leg.
I don't care about anything.
I've lost the only beautiful thing that ever happened to me.
She throws you on the floor! There's a fitted carpet.
He's gone. He's lost it. There's no hope.
Hiya, Barry.
I was told to enquire here for the Wise Man Of The Woods.
She's a black belt, you know. She once sprained my elbow.
Oh, nobody could be sweeter!
That's him?
The man himself. We can vouch for him.
We've been with him ever since he took his first wise footsteps...
not very steady footsteps. And now, I have to face it -
she'll never sprain anything of mine again.
I can't bear to see a grown man weep.
Unless it's an Irish tenor - that's understandable. The man needs help.
You could help him, Barry.
Isn't it pushy, helping the Wise Man Of The Woods? Will he be impressed by two A levels and a library ticket?
At the risk of a sprained elbow, you could find Cindy and bring her to him.
We'll supply you with the address, Barry, if the Wise Man remembers it.
How do, Barry, lad? You're not on fire again, Mr Pegden?
Just the cap, lad. I think it enjoys a good smoke.
I wondered if I could borrow your Land Rover, Mr Pegden. I don't see why not. Is it a heavy load?
I have to fetch a woman for the Wise Man Of The Woods. I don't like being seen in my car with a strange woman.
He can't be that wise if he's still sending out for women.
She's a black belt. Oh, worse things in life than your cap on fire!
Keys are in. Just mind the gear stick. What's wrong with it?
The knob falls off. Don't lose it. I'd hate to lose it. We've been together so long.
It's him. They think he looks like a tramp.
Ah, that's because he looks like a tramp.
Oh, I'll stop here. One bleak spot is as good as another.
Oh heck! Now he's got spots. We'll never get a lift!
Hang on. Look who's coming.
We're looking for a lift.
Who's HE when he's at home?
He's the Wise Man Of The Woods.
If he's so wise, how come he hasn't got his own transport?
Well, there's his caravan.
But there's nobody inside.
If he's open for consultation, he should keep office hours. I wonder if he reads palms or uses cards.
Either way, it'll be a giggle. I hope he won't be too wise.
I don't want him stumbling across every detail. If I thought he could, I'd bring Howard and take notes.
That's him.
I don't know how wise HE'S going to be.
Ladies. Is he open for consultation?
There you go, you see - business already.
Step this way, ladies.
I'm staying here. I've had enough criticism of my driving.
Oh, Mother! Come on, Auntie Roz is going in.
She was always forward, that one.
It's been wonderful, borrowing Kevin's Land Rover.
When you said we should look at some ancient sites, I didn't think you MEANT we'd look at ancient sights.
He did it ALL for me!
You see how you underestimate people?
Who'd have thought that, for little me, someone would go away to become the Wise Man Of The Woods?
It was the act of a gentleman that you came to tell me. Thank you.
Oh, it's the Wise Man Of The Woods.
Thank you for the use of the Land Rover, Wise Man Of The Woods.
Well, I hope you used it wisely.
We saw the ancient sights.
I saw a few myself in my days in the Vice Squad.
Howard, I don't want to worry you,
but there's an ancient sight bearing down on you right now.
Oh, quick!
Hey!
The Wise Man Of The Woods! Come to Mamma!
Oh, good heavens!
First thing you know, you've got men all over you.
Oh, I'm ever so sorry. I don't know what you must think of me.
Well, first impressions were pretty powerful.
# Aaah
# Sweet mystery of life
# At last I've found thee
# And at last
# I know the secret of it all. #
So how did you get that lipstick, Barry?
I-I-I tried not to, but she was very strong.
Oh, Barry! That little woman?!
She can do things to your elbow that you wouldn't believe.
Oh, me knob!
You saw that? The headless Land Rover.
What do you think? I think he was driving nice and steadily, actually.
Right. Well within the limit. On his own side of the road.
There's no reason, really, for us to interfere. It wouldn't be fair.
There ought to be more like him.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd